The Last Time…

Last night, after the hubs and I finished reading a story to our oldest son, the kiddo passed out his typical round of hugs and kisses before jumping into bed. He jumped into my arms and at that moment I realized times were changing and fast. It happened before my eyes. Our oldest son is now 5.5 years old and for these 5.5 years I feel like we’ve done what we could to soak up every minute of his growing, his life, and his experiences… until this moment. He was so heavy; heavier than I could remember. His long legs now dangled down past my knees as he wrapped his arms around my neck. He is no longer the tiny little boy who could jump in my arms and I could carry him around on my hip. He’s a big boy now.

He went from this… 

…to this overnight!

Over the past several months I have nursed a high risk pregnancy, recovered from a cesarean section, and since have been carrying a baby around daily. I’ve not been able to pick up my kiddo as I used to months back. At that moment of him jumping into my arms I realized how much I missed. Despite me being present I still missed out on his growth and development into such a big strong boy.

The hubs and I wanted a second child but we had put off getting pregnant for a long time. I knew pregnancy would hinder me useless for several months due to a couple displeasing conditions (Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) and a Septate Uterus). My lack of activity and participation wouldn’t be such a big deal if we were solo but we had a growing preschooler to tend to. I couldn’t pick him up as much, and towards the end, at all. Here today, 11 months later I see how much I have missed out on. I felt like years flashed before my eyes. What happened to my sweet baby?

A couple weeks after we told him he was going to be a big brother. I was at the height of my sickness (HG) and was couch or bed ridden. He was showing me his Ninja Turtle moves to cheer me up.

The hubs recently wrote two numbers on our kitchen white board. These numbers represent the number of times we have left to plan special moments with the boys before that telltale age when they’re ready to not “hang out” with mom and dad anymore. It makes you realize the time allotted for building memories with them as littles is all too short.

Brothers…

Time seems to pass even faster now that there are two. I can’t keep my eye on both of them long enough without a growth moment passing before my eyes. In the past three months, since our second son was born, my oldest son has blossomed into a brave, outgoing little boy; doing things we’ve never imagined he’d be doing until now.

Rock climbing all the way to the top!

First day of Kindergarten

The littlest one is hitting his own milestones, changing diaper sizes, holding his head up without support, cooing, smiling and aware of the world around him. I’m not ready to hear “mom” instead of “mommy”. I’m not ready to let go of the cuddles. I’m not ready to let go of being their comfort when they’re scared at night after a bad dream. I’m not ready to let go of bedtime stories or kissing boo boos or any of it. I want to savor every minute… I wish I had savored more.

I look back on the years I stayed home with my first child and wish I had slowed down and soaked it all in just a little deeper. Due to my age and physical ailments while pregnant this will be the last time. The last time we’ll surprise our family with the news of a baby. The last time I will listen to a heart beat in my belly or feel the moment of flutters and kicks late at night. The last time I wake up in the early morning to change diaper after diaper and nurse hour after hour.

Moments after our 2^nd son was born…

I’ve heard some people say “I can’t wait till they’re out of the baby phase.” I get it. The whole process of trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing with this tiny fragile human life and to make sure you don’t fuck up is pretty damn stressful and hard… but I wouldn’t want to rush through any of it.

Soaking up the moments of bonding…

Looking back on my first son, I was so lucky to have the opportunity to get the extended time with him that I should have savored it more. This is why I’m trying my hardest to savor these moments with my youngest, because this is the last time.