Sweet Savory Sustainable

What did you want to be when you grew up?

A question every child is asked early on in life. A question I think a lot of people revisit when they arrive in midlife. Are we able to look our younger selves in the eye and proudly say, we made it? Is asking what do you want to be the right question to ask in the first place? When I started writing this story, I decided to ask my youngest son. He was amused because even he thinks about his kindergarten self, when everyone wants to be a baseball player, firefighter, or astronaut. He remembered he wanted to be a paleontologist or a scientist. Now, almost five years later, he says he wants to be a creative director, build video games, or write songs. Wow. What an amazing mind to think of such great things to be. I can’t say my vision as a child was specific, nor was it clear.

In a few days, I will enter the last year of my forties. I can say, with all honesty, I still don’t know.

When I was small, I loved animals, so naturally I wanted to care for animals. Not in the princess story kind of way, more like Beast Master mythology. All I was ever allowed was a parakeet, which made me not fond of birds.

Then I wanted to act and perform. I loved movies, music, and storytelling. The high school symphonic band was the biggest stage I landed on. Then I wanted to be an artist. I would lock myself away in my bedroom for hours to draw. The application and letter of recommendation for a performing arts school in Boston were never mailed. Entering fan art contests, drawing concert posters for bands like NKOTB, was the extent of my artist journey.

Then I wanted to be a chef. Early on, I was my grandmother’s sous chef. I also had to fend for myself often, so I learned how to cook for myself and others. The application to the Culinary Institute of America was never submitted, but I still found my way into kitchens anyway. Catering to the socialites of Los Altos Hills and serving soup to the afternoon crowd at The Works (formerly known as The Gourmet Works) in downtown Los Altos was my culinary career in a nutshell. Then I wanted to be a photographer. Long live the disposable camera. I was gifted a hand-me-down flashbulb burning, film churning camera that was my mother’s. When the disposable camera came to be, my allowance found a purpose besides buying music cassette tapes: buying and developing film. Unfortunately, being a J.C. Penney portrait photographer was the extent of my work behind a camera, framed in family homes across the East Bay.

In between it all, life happened. Life happened hard. I dropped out of high school, not in the rebellious teenager way. In the abusive boyfriend and lack of family support kind of way. That can do numbers to a 17-year-old girl’s ability to function in normal life.

I got kicked out of my home, which required me to work full time. Being forced to find work with no solid educational background was a difficult lesson. After failed stints at a bank, two coffee shops, and an auto shop, I finally landed a very solid role. At 18, I became an administrative assistant at a global tax and accounting giant.

During one of the many dinner parties I coordinated for our team (I always found those gatherings awkward, pretentious, and forced), I was standing with the group when a coworker walked in late. “You decided to grace us with your august presence,” another coworker said. He was a young man, overly confident and fresh out of college.

I should have seen it coming. I tried to jokingly chime in and said, “Oh, they have a presence for every month?” I didn’t realize the word also meant prestigious, grand, dignified. In front of the group, he decided it was a good time to call out my lack of education. “That’s a basic SAT word!” He laughed hysterically. I walked away mortified.

It was soon after that I went back to high school. I attended a high school diploma program for the district. It was a separate program from the GED. I retook my entire senior year while working full time in corporate tax. I graduated with honors and spoke for my class. I was valedictorian for the misfits, and proud of it.

At twenty, when I should have been figuring out what I wanted to be when I grew up, I was co-parenting a sibling, starting my bachelor’s degree, and still working full time. Instead of worrying about classes and parties, I was learning how to raise children and navigate our broken systems. It was a crash course on the school system (IEPs), the judicial system, the jail system, family counseling, and drug counseling. All of it broken. It’s a wonder how anyone who ends up having to truly use those systems gets out in one piece.

In between all of that, I got married and graduated with a bachelor’s degree. I never got to walk at graduation because I couldn’t afford the cap and gown or the fees. It was a two person house on one small unmanaged income, so my degree came in the mail and life kept going. I did attempt a master’s degree, but for a second time in my life, I dropped out. This time, I did not go back. Two children, four dogs, a marriage, many residential moves, an established career… 30 years later, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

You know when you’re on a difficult hike or bike ride. You’re going uphill on a thin trail. It’s steep and seems to go on forever. It’s slippery and there’s not much clearance. The scenery is beautiful but it’s quite treacherous, so you have to keep moving slow and steady until you finally get to a clearing.

It’s a lookout. You can see the entire valley from this view. There’s a bench to take a seat for a moment before continuing the climb.

In life, I seem to have arrived at that bench. I know many all-knowing wise elders speak of it. It’s a moment of clarity. When you realize you have free will and power beyond your wildest dreams. Power to build, shape, and create the life you dreamed of when you were the little girl.

This moment of clarity also presented a change in my viewpoint. I went from what do I want to do to who do I want to be. Out of all the things I want to be, I want to be a good person. A kind and helpful person. If I can be those things, I can be whatever I want to be.

And that brings me back to the question: what do you want to be when you grow up? I’d like to think I will never know, but I will always stay in a constant pursuit of learning, of trying, of asking why. In a twisted fairytale kind of way, I am doing all those things the younger me wanted. I am caring for dogs, chickens, and other critters and I will never ever stop unless I am physically unable. I create every day through photography, art, writing, presenting, performing all as part of my job and my personal pursuits. Then there is Sweet Savory Sustainable where I have taught myself skills in the kitchen and garden that I am able to share with others. It is all in a different capacity than I originally envisioned, yes, but I have to consider my starting path. It was quite steep and rocky but this clearing I’ve arrived upon brings such a wide open view of possibilities.